Horoscopes: III

Sagittarius, Mercury is rising in your house, turning the floors into shimmering pools of liquid metal. Do not become ensorceled by the quicksilver for fear of hydrargyria and especially do not step into the Mirror Realm.

Capricorn, you will meet an animal familiar of diminutive size. Perhaps a toad or a rat. If you’re lucky, it will be a small bird that brings you gifts at dawn. But odds are that it will be a filthy fucking rat. Welcome to Earth, witchling, Alpha Rat-hive of the Milky Way.

Aquarius, you will bump your head and wake up with the mind-shredding compulsion to acquire the skulls of three defrocked priests. Do not fight this urge. It’s only natural.

Pisces, you will face Rapture, alone. Seraphim will lead you to a small room with two levers. One is labeled fire. The other, water. Don’t be derivative. Pull the fire lever.

Aries, you will come into possession of some rather scandalous photos involving Santa Claus and his reindeer. Forget you ever saw them. It gets lonely on the road, twice as lonely for the immortal. Don’t be a dick and ruin Christmas.

Taurus, everyone will laugh at you when you graduate from Clown College. This will be confusing to your pride.

Gemini, you will begin to expect that the neighbors are lizard people from Iona Draconis. You are wrong. They are lizard people from the sewers of New York City.

Cancer, you will be given the chance to travel back in time, but no matter what date you choose, you will end up in northern Canada, alone in the wilderness, surrounded by wolves. You begin to suspect that the wolves were behind this particular time travel scheme.

Leo, one thousand flies will erupt from the next thing you bite down on.

Virgo, at a country gas mart, you will find a jar of pickled human eggs. What you do next will change the course of your life.

Libra, you will go on a Individual Liberty march by walking down the street, throwing confetti and honking a horn.

Scorpio, you will gain a supernatural healing ability. Go do all the stupid shit you want. Rub your dick raw. It won’t matter. You’ll be fine.

Horoscopes: II

Scorpio, you will be called up to defend the Earth from strange, marshmallow, mushroom men from beyond the moon. Don’t fuck it up. Those things are really gross.

Sagittarius, remember: if you had three hands, you could mediate your own arm wrestling matches. Then you’d be doing something.

Capricorn, I can only assume that you were behind the invention of candy corn. Goddamn you to hell.

Aquarius, the velvet cape you recently purchased was stolen from a dead man and will allow you to enter the Underworld, where everyone will snicker at what a dandy you’ve become.

Pisces, your muscles bulge with the power of many oxen and yet you remain standing there, waiting for me to take out the trash.

Aries, the trees have been whispering against you. Luckily, they’re just fucking trees. Go about your business.

Taurus, a man in a beige overcoat will ask you for a piece of chewing gum. Run away screaming about bloodless eyes and webbed fingers. This will alarm him and help cull his nasty habit of spitting gum on the sidewalk.

Gemini, today you are a man. Sorry about that, ladies. It will be weird at first. Try not to pee everywhere.

Cancer, there is no excuse for your behavior. Return the gorilla to the zoo and return the cowboy hat to the country-western boot store.

Leo, your skeleton will begin to dream its own dreams. Do not be alarmed. They will mostly be about driving race cars and drinking martinis in Italy.

Virgo, you will finally invent a thinking-feeling robot. Thanks for dooming us all, asshole.

Libra, you will begin to disappear. First your fingers. Then your toes. That’s really it. You will be completely functional. Just wear some shoes and a light liner glove and no one will ever know.

Horoscopes: I

Libra, you will come to fulfill an ancient destiny by sacrificing yourself to the Sky Father. Have your brother sharpen your knife for you.

Scorpio, your dreams will thicken into a stew from which you will be able to pick at reality and throw the nasty bits to the dog.

Sagittarius, there is no hiding from the neighbors. They are watching. And judging. They know.

Capricorn, never one to back down, the cop’s riot shield will feel like you’re being beaten to death with a saucer sled.

Aquarius, you will float into the clouds on a chariot made of cotton candy and marijuana. There, the Storm Devils will devour you and eat your chariot as a snack.

Pisces, you will wake up as two fish. Enjoy your short lives.

Aries, the Dark Man of the Crossroads will come to collect that $8.50 you borrowed from him for that chicken club the other day. You’d best have it on you.

Taurus, you will be abducted by aliens that look like an exact copy of all of your friends. You will party until the Intergalactic Science light switches on.

Gemini, you feel like you have known your doppelgänger for a very long time as he chokes the life out of you, screaming.

Cancer, you will finally take your first steps to becoming a circus clown. The child looks so peaceful lying on the stone altar.

Leo, your tits will get bigger and people will start forgetting your name.

Virgo, you don’t know how to mind-link with planet-sized robots. Stop lying to yourself.