Sagittarius, Mercury is rising in your house, turning the floors into shimmering pools of liquid metal. Do not become ensorceled by the quicksilver for fear of hydrargyria and especially do not step into the Mirror Realm.
Capricorn, you will meet an animal familiar of diminutive size. Perhaps a toad or a rat. If you’re lucky, it will be a small bird that brings you gifts at dawn. But odds are that it will be a filthy fucking rat. Welcome to Earth, witchling, Alpha Rat-hive of the Milky Way.
Aquarius, you will bump your head and wake up with the mind-shredding compulsion to acquire the skulls of three defrocked priests. Do not fight this urge. It’s only natural.
Pisces, you will face Rapture, alone. Seraphim will lead you to a small room with two levers. One is labeled fire. The other, water. Don’t be derivative. Pull the fire lever.
Aries, you will come into possession of some rather scandalous photos involving Santa Claus and his reindeer. Forget you ever saw them. It gets lonely on the road, twice as lonely for the immortal. Don’t be a dick and ruin Christmas.
Taurus, everyone will laugh at you when you graduate from Clown College. This will be confusing to your pride.
Gemini, you will begin to expect that the neighbors are lizard people from Iona Draconis. You are wrong. They are lizard people from the sewers of New York City.
Cancer, you will be given the chance to travel back in time, but no matter what date you choose, you will end up in northern Canada, alone in the wilderness, surrounded by wolves. You begin to suspect that the wolves were behind this particular time travel scheme.
Leo, one thousand flies will erupt from the next thing you bite down on.
Virgo, at a country gas mart, you will find a jar of pickled human eggs. What you do next will change the course of your life.
Libra, you will go on a Individual Liberty march by walking down the street, throwing confetti and honking a horn.
Scorpio, you will gain a supernatural healing ability. Go do all the stupid shit you want. Rub your dick raw. It won’t matter. You’ll be fine.