Boom-whiz-bang! Kids of all ages, boys and girls, victims and oppressors, step right up and experience the raw, flesh-crackling power of the PKD-23,000,000: the fieriest death ray ever installed into a human forehead by government alienists! You wanna melt the faces off of your so-called friends for tittering while you talk? You wanna see the brains of cattle and other passive herbivores fall directly from their gaping assholes and onto the ground like horse placenta only to realize that it is fully cooked and ready to spread on some lightly toasted crackers? You wanna toast crackers more fully for a charred (but not too charred) taste and a corpsey mouth-feel?
Well, just step right into my sanctioned parlor and I will merely put you in a box, punch a hole in your skull right into your frontal lobe, extract the pineal gland and destroy your goddamn, bullshit, hippie imagination zone making you into a lethal assassin to whom even popes and bankers bow in supplication. Your mind can become a weapon, more than a weapon, the best weapon! Isn’t this what you’ve been yearning for ever since Chet Crockerocket kicked you in your exposed, malformed testicles in a board meeting and you were too stupid to find his family and feed them to each other? It can be yours.
The PKD 23,000,000 is available only in the back of this van for a limited time of right now or I hit you in the head with this bat and do it anyway. You see, you simply must have this installed in your skull. A witch told me and, whatever this crazy world has become, I will still always place my faith in the cards of old Maggie. You are destined. Your brain was ours when you were nothing but sperm and star dust. So go ahead. Get in the van. Your beautiful transformation awaits.