The Consolation of Psychoactive Alien Secretions

“Contact in 23 seconds-”
“Pardon me, sir. But they’ve already boarded,” the crew member said and raised his left hand into a ray of foreign sunlight. The nails had become dirt and delicate fiddleheads began to uncurl in the shower of photons. The captain of the voidship Eris cocked his head to the side, disbelieving.
“But…my calculations…ha ha…thrust…ha ha…” The crew member could not help but join in the captain’s laughter as he wiggled his fingers and watched the ferns thereof unfurl and dance in the artificial gravity.
“Marvelous,” the captain said as he watched. Out of the corner of his eye, the stars went black. “Oh fuck!”
The ship hit the side of a massive membrane at full speed, stretching it like snot from a frozen child, becoming encapsulated.
“Enough of your conjurers tricks, man! To your station.”
“But sir. I am the contact. What this ship has become entangled by is nothing but the discharge of my memories.”
“Explain yourself! And fire the main thrusters! We’ll pop this motherfucker like a bee in a balloon!”
“Sir, if you would only listen. What we are engulfed by is immaterial. It is the discharge of human memories that I have been invited to leak into the void. You see, my brain is becoming as an acorn and my limbs grow wooden and supple. There is nothing you or your thrusters can do but wait as I fill my cabin with soil and take root. As soon as my transformation is complete, the ship will be free to go about its business.”
“I won’t let them take you! I never lose a man!”
“Sir, I am no longer a man. And I go willingly. The alien, who I trust, has decided that my most useful form, my true form, is that of some horrific plant amalgamation. The only way out of this, I’m afraid, is through patience.”
The captain took a deep breath. “How long? How long must we wait?”
“Well, it should only take a week for me to produce enough dirt to take root in. After that, my human memories should start to diffuse. It may be another month before the ship is completely free, however. I’m sorry captain. I know this has been a long journey for all of us. But we’ve done it! Contact!”
“Fucking symbiotic plant aliens,” the captain murmured.
“If it’s any consolation, sir, my piss should turn hallucinogenic in but a few more days.”
The captain smiled and took his hand off of his ray gun.

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