Horoscopes: I

Libra, you will come to fulfill an ancient destiny by sacrificing yourself to the Sky Father. Have your brother sharpen your knife for you.

Scorpio, your dreams will thicken into a stew from which you will be able to pick at reality and throw the nasty bits to the dog.

Sagittarius, there is no hiding from the neighbors. They are watching. And judging. They know.

Capricorn, never one to back down, the cop’s riot shield will feel like you’re being beaten to death with a saucer sled.

Aquarius, you will float into the clouds on a chariot made of cotton candy and marijuana. There, the Storm Devils will devour you and eat your chariot as a snack.

Pisces, you will wake up as two fish. Enjoy your short lives.

Aries, the Dark Man of the Crossroads will come to collect that $8.50 you borrowed from him for that chicken club the other day. You’d best have it on you.

Taurus, you will be abducted by aliens that look like an exact copy of all of your friends. You will party until the Intergalactic Science light switches on.

Gemini, you feel like you have known your doppelgänger for a very long time as he chokes the life out of you, screaming.

Cancer, you will finally take your first steps to becoming a circus clown. The child looks so peaceful lying on the stone altar.

Leo, your tits will get bigger and people will start forgetting your name.

Virgo, you don’t know how to mind-link with planet-sized robots. Stop lying to yourself.

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